Self Care Saturday

My Guide to Journaling

Hello everyone! So this is my first post on Self Care Saturday! Woooo! Self Care Saturday is pretty self explanatory…I give you different ways of self care on every Saturday of the month (or at least a Saturday of the month).

Today, I’m taking you into one of my favorite self care past time…journaling! Oh how I love journaling. There is nothing more therapeutic than writing in my opinion. I actually have three of them that I carry everywhere. Each one serves a different purpose.

  • My yellow journal is for my day to day entries. I always date the page and write about what happened that day. I like to do this after I take my bath or shower and change into a clean pair of pajamas (or an overlarge t-shirt). I naturally have an overactive imagination, so when I am starting to get bored of my surroundings, I pull out my journal and write how I feel.
  • My pink journal is for my dreams, goals, prayers, and manifestations. When I’m feeling low, I like to open up this bad boy and envision myself in a more positive situation. I like to write out little scenarios that I hope will happen. For instance, I wrote one about strolling through the Louvre in France wearing a flowy white dress with my curls in full bloom like flowers in spring. Man I was really in my feelings that day, I tell you. It just let’s your mind run free to a happy place.
  • My black journal is for my short stories and poems. They don’t have to be a full fledged sonnet; sometimes they’re just little quips and ideas. When something pops into my head, I quickly jot it down. I can’t draw to save my life, but some of them have drawings and doodles on the pages, as well as little songs that I may create.

Now having three journals might be a little excessive, but for me it helps organize my thoughts. But when it’s your journal, you can do whatever you want with it. It can be as messy and cluttered as you want. It’s for you and your thoughts. I would say, when journaling…

  • Sometimes choosing the journal is important. This is something that you’re going to be writing in, have it be enticing. You should want to write in it. I bought my journals at Walmart, but they are so cute. They are Pen + Gear Five Subject Notebooks. I love that they have little tabs to divide different sections of the journal.
  • Write every day. Every day. Even if it’s just one sentence. I am sad. I am happy. Thank you God. Shoot, it can be one word if you want to. Just make sure you write something.
  • It’s okay to restart. I have journals that haven’t been finished. Sometimes the things in that journal don’t give off the energy that you expect. It’s okay to switch journals and start anew!
  • Be in tune with your feelings and emotions. Don’t hold back.

That concludes the first Self Care Saturday post! Hopefully, you find a journal and fill its pages with stories, hopes, and well wishes.

Happy journaling!!!!

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Facts and Opinions

Back to the Basics

Hello to that one person who may be reading my blog. I really haven’t been on it too much. I guess there really is no explanation as to why. School could be one. School has been kicking my butt ever since kindergarten, but this last semester of my junior year of college is making me wonder why I didn’t drop out yet. It could be my wavering time management. I think honestly it has to do with laziness. But the summer is nigh, and I feel like I will have more energy, as well as more creativity throughout the warmer months. I plan to write more poetry, speak about more issues that are not only affecting me but others, and most importantly have fun with blogging. So expect to see more posts from me in the months to come!

Peace and blessings 🕊❤️

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Journaling

Month Number One: A slight rant and 400 years

January is coming close to an end. The first day ushered in this new sense of hope and discovery for all of us. 2018 was a year of realization. It was like a gnat; buzzing around our ears and crowding our personal space. The lessons of 2018 are going to be the foundation of my 2019, and so far I am still going strong. Could it be because of the new year and its new wave of energy, or has nothing really changed? Maybe this new feeling of purpose and confidence is some sort of placebo. Am I still the same person now that I was in 2018? Some of the voices in my head (true Gemini lol) tell me these things off and on, and I try not to succumb. If I really think about it, all of my manifestations for the first month of the year are slowly but surely coming into fruition, and I think that has a lot to do with myself, as well as the beginning of a new year.
I wanted to briefly talk about an article on The Root that I happened to come across while scrolling through the internet one day. The first person of African descent set foot on America’s soil in the year 1619. Ever since then, black people have had a treacherous experience here. We are seen as foreign objects that do not belong; the “other.” Our skin is discriminated against, as well as our hair, body types, and culture…but it’s always copied. Like I stated in a Facebook post a few days ago, we are the culture, we just never get the credit. I just thought that is was kind of interesting. This 400 years of slavery (even though slavery was abolished in 1865) may have brought some sort of curse. We might not be picking cotton in fields and being beaten with whips, but we are still slaves to systematic oppression as well as archaic ideologies of how black people should be. Jim Crow kind of still exists you know? It just manifests itself in various ways throughout the years. The 400 years trope comes from the bible. In Genesis 15:13, it says, “Then the LORD said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there (New International Version).” Sounds familiar doesn’t it? If you add 400 to 1619, what do you get? I know I’m not an aficionado in mathematics, but if my calculator is correct, you get 2019!
2019 is the 400th year. Has the curse been lifted? I can say as a minority in America that my experiences here have not been peachy keen. I mean, a bit of my self loathing as a child came from the fact that I did not resemble my Caucasian counterparts. Going to college in a town that is more than 90% white lets me know some days that I am not accepted in some communities. This, however, has only made me stronger as an individual and prouder of my blackness. People are so pressed that I exist, like…keep hating boo. 2018 had made me come face to face with myself. People will not always like me just by looking at me, and I can’t let that affect me. We as people can work together as a collective to strengthen our community, but we must first acknowledge the beauty and power in ourselves individually…and there’s an abundance of it. Do you know how important you are? How much you’ve endured? How much your ancestors have gone through? Your looks are envied by others. Your history is rich and full. Black people…that is all in you! It’s in me! And 2018 has made me aware that I am a blessing and I should think of myself as such. That might sound a little vain, but you are a blessing. You could be six feet deep in the ground. Every day that you live is a blessing.
I have a tendency to get rather preachy with these posts when I’m passionate. My main focus for this post is to say that we must break the curse that we held in ourselves, and that’s with changing our habits and thoughts. I need to plan out my thoughts; my mind goes a mile a minute. This month I have made an effort to better myself, and I will continue to do the same in February. I prayed and manifested for more experience in the career that I want to be in, and I was promoted to a higher position. I’ve had people from my past come and contact me, trying to slither their way back into my life…and I ignored their advances. My worth is much more important than a brief stint of attention. I’ve accepted the fact that I cannot change what has happened in the past, and can only move forward. I’ve accepted my face and the way it kind of hangs to the right. I’ve accepted my little round nose and full cheeks, as well my gap teeth (which I’m proud of). I’ve practiced self-care by keeping to myself when I need to. It’s okay to say no to hanging out. It’s good to spend time with myself and get to know myself even more. She loves overly feminine stuff. She likes perfume and getting her nails done and fashion. She loves to read and write and engage in her own little world. She’s introverted…but nowhere near antisocial. She is delicate, but durable.
I have taken steps toward keeping my peace. I’ve moved mountains this past month. I’ve spoken my truth and expressed my feelings thoroughly. I’ve come to terms with past mistakes that I have made, as well as acknowledge what I did to get into that situation in the first place. The groundwork has been laid, and I need to follow what I’ve laid. I’ve learned not to be as trusting as I have been in the past, and not tolerate the things that I have previously. I just feel chains falling and my head lifting. I just have a good feeling about 2019, even though we have had some major mishaps happen already (thank you Trump). I can only control myself, and I am trying my very best to not fall back and remain the way I used to be. I am slowly evolving, and I can see the progress.
In a few hours it will be February, which is the perfect month to talk about self-love. I want to tie self love in the black community, because I know that us as people are conditioned to think that our beauty is lesser than. I am beautiful. I am beautiful because I am black. I am beautiful because of my history, good and bad. I am beautiful because I am continuously growing and changing. I’m beautiful because I am finally realizing my worth. I am just beautiful….PERIOD!

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Poetry

Hope for the New Year

We’ve made it to 2019. Can you remember what you wanted to happen December 31st, 2017 for the new year? I do, and even though it didn’t come to me the way I expected, it was necessary for my growth as a woman.

I prayed for knowledge and wisdom…and with the things that had taken place in 2018, God supplied me with my request. I was broken down last year, (feels weird to say you know, since last year was literally a few days ago) only to hopefully be built back up in the year of 2019. I have learned so many lessons, realized the inadequacies in my personality, and tried to alleviate pain that has been caused by past trauma or hurt that still gets a reaction out of me.

This year, I do continue to pray for knowledge and wisdom (maybe in a less aggressive fashion), but I also am adding on a few other things.

  1. I pray for organization. I pray that I set a plan and that I stick to it.
  2. I want my faith in God to grow. Not to get all preachy, but without him, I would not be where I am now. In 2018, I didn’t rely on the Lord as much as I should have. I didn’t pray as much as I could have. I guess I progressed from 2017. For most of that year, I thought God hated me, which was a ludicrous thought of mine now that I think about it.
  3. I want to read more. I used to love reading, and I want to reconnect with the positives that I used to exhibit.
  4. I want to manifest my goals, dreams, and aspirations more. I got started towards the end of the year, and I want to make sure that I bring the art of manifestation with me in the new year.
  5. I want to write in my journal daily. Writing is my personal form of therapy. Most of us don’t have a psychologist at the ready, but a pen and a piece of paper might be more accessible. I couldn’t wait to scribble on the pages, but I bought a yellow notebook for the new year to write down my thoughts, dreams, grievances, and my endless rants on things that will probably mean nothing in about a year or so.
  6. I want to move forward in everything that I am apart of. I work at my school news station, as well as being involved in NACWC (National Association of Colored Women’s Club Incorporated), and this here blog. I want to work harder and move up the ranks in my positions. When it comes to blogging, I want to write more. I feel like my posts are a bit sporadic, and going back to me wanting to be more organized, I hope to create a posting schedule.
  7. I want to start doing yoga and going to the gym. I need to get my exercise regimen together for this year. Exercise releases dopamine, and my 2019 needs to be full of all that.
  8. I want to learn how to sew and cook. My Mother called me down earlier today to look over some old birthday, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day cards. I found one that I gave to my Mother. I was eight-years-old, it was homemade…it wasn’t the prettiest, but it had a lot of heart. It was a Mother’s Day card, and inside it was me singing high praises to my Mother (as I should because my Mother is the most amazing person on the planet). In one of the lines, I say that I want her to teach me how to cook and sew. These are two things that my Mom knew how to do that I admired. Since I was thinking about learning, and I saw my younger self wanting to learn more…I think that this would be the perfect year to pick up a new hobby.

Of course, I have a whole list of things I want to happen this year (I may post the full list later on) but ultimately, the main thing I want is happiness. I guess I really didn’t have to list all eight of those New Year’s resolutions…all of them result in happiness on my end.

I want to be the woman my ten year old self never thought I would be. If you have read any of my other posts, I am a big fanatic of self love and self care. I started getting that into the end of the 2018 year, and I want 2019 to be full of it. Now, with that being said, 2019 can’t just be self care. I will continue talking to a therapist. There are some things that I still have to work out, and I’m not just going to just throw it under the rug and let it fester. I don’t want the progress that I’ve made to go to waste. I can feel it…2019 is my year.

 

 

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Journaling

And I’m Holy…By My Own

Give me today my daily bread

Help to walk alone ahead

Though I walk through the darkest valley

I will fear no love 

Oh my smile, my mind reassure me

I don’t need no one

I’m not lonely…. I’m alone

And I’m holy, by my own 

Those are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Holy by Jamila Woods. I was thinking about this song recently after scrolling through my social media. Social media can be an escape from boredom, but it has plagued my life all too much, and I really need to cut back from it.  It’s great to get a good sense of reality. I glimpsed and spotted a Snapchat story from a man….excuse me…. boy I used to talk to. At the time, I had feelings for this person, and I guess after this little incident, some still linger. I saw his video; him angling his phone as if it was the prequel to the Blair Witch Project, making hand gestures to some G Herbo song, with a slim thick, pretty girl perched on his lap. He was kissing her neck; she was grinning from ear to ear, deepening the dimples in her cheeks. First off, I’m wondering why I am still following this person’s Snapchat. Why do I have his number? Why does this person have a way of accessing my life again? Anyways, I couldn’t help but ponder how he went about approaching this young lady. Was he a gentleman? Did he take her out on dates? Did he open her car door for her? Did he respect her from the beginning? I internally asked this because when I conversing with this guy, he didn’t do any of these actions. Every conversation that spurred resulted in a sexual conclusion. Initially, it was him practically begging me give him the goods like I was some X-rated grocery store (that was a lot more clever in my head). At this time, being the insecure and self-conscious sister that I was, I thought that this is how I deserved to be treated by a person. There was no respect in anything that he did for me. He saw me as this sex toy; an object of his personal desire. I was thankful at this time that he wanted to pay attention to me. I couldn’t fathom that someone would want to be with me in any type of way. Before I began my third year of college, I had a brief fling with him again (stupid….so stupid). I was holding on to a fantasy of him; what he could have been. If it isn’t a reality, you need to be moving on with your life. Don’t dream someone up a certain way when they’re doing the exact opposite….WAKE UP! Welcome to the real world. I should have paid more attention to his actions, but like I said, the fact that he wanted to be around me was enough at the time. He used me as his potential cheap thrill, meanwhile getting into a serious and meaningful relationship with someone else. It hurt my feelings, and when I expressed them to this person, he flat-out did not care. He didn’t even have the decency to really listen to me, and he sure as hell did not apologize. I wanted to blame him for everything; all the pain that he caused me, the lies he told me, and so on and so forth. However, at some point, I did have to take accountability. I let him do me that way. I didn’t think that I deserved to be respected and treated like the QUEEN that I am.

I feel that men have been walking all over me. I put up with too much and I settle for less. In my first and only relationship, I did everything for that kid. I paid for his movie tickets, his bus fare, his food, and catered to his needs (well, whatever needs a seventeen year old thought they required). Not to sound braggadocious, but I was the best girlfriend that he has had thus far. I’m going to be the better person and wish him the best of luck. This person was not faithful to me, he demanded quite a bit of me, and he was way too focused on having a sexual relationship with me instead of an emotional and spiritual one. This began the countless unfortunate events that I have had with the opposite sex. I’ve gotten lewd text messages from guys that had an interest in me and vice versa, starting off the conversation with sweet nothings until it melts down to the real thing that they are in it for. I had a friend that I have known ever since I was 11 (he was 19 when we first met) admit to me that he wanted to do some pretty provocative things with me…before I was of legal age to do it. Because this person had been in my life for so long, I didn’t really know how to go about the conversation. To be honest, I wanted to call Chris Hansen and ask if he could make a pit stop to his location. The messages became awkward, and I was hurt. I knew him for years. He was a mentor and a confidant, and he still saw me as this sexual opportunity.

Recently, I was talking to a “friend” that I had met on the social media platform Twitter. A few nights prior, I had Facetimed him and had a conversation with him. I was wearing a robe; a fuzzy, pink robe. Out of all the things to rev up a person’s engine, I wouldn’t think that a robe would do that, but hey, I do not know everything. He had let me know that I looked “delicious” on video, and that looking at me ensured that he would masturbate to the thought of me later on. I didn’t even know what to say. My mouth was agape. Did he really just say that? I had to read the message over and over again. That was the last straw. I couldn’t believe that a person thought that they could say that to me. I thought it was extraordinarily disrespectful. I was tired with putting up with this.

Since so many men were comfortable with treating me like a little play thing, obviously there’s something that I’m doing wrong. It’s apparent that I am doing something to attract this toxicity into my life. While evaluating the guys that I talked to, I also had to evaluate myself. When I’m with a person that I have feelings for, I will do anything for them. I remember walking across campus in twenty degree weather, late at night, in the snow, to go and visit someone in their dorm room. I bought a guy chicken noodle soup and orange juice when he was sick. I gave a guy medication when he had the sniffles. That same guy owes me a hundred dollars….why? Because I lent it to him like a dumbass. I was so afraid of this person leaving me, that I did whatever I could to make them stay. Sometimes they would ask me for these favors, but a lot of the time I would do it for them because I wanted to. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? They used me because they could. The saying is as old as Jesus Christ, but will always be the truth. They saw my niceness and they took this for granted. If I would confront them on how they were acting, they would gaslight me and tell me that I was out of my mind! That it was further from the truth. Oh really? Why are you trying to get into a serious relationship with someone else, but texting me to come over at one in the morning? Something just doesn’t seem right.

One thing that I learned about myself is that my self-esteem needed a total 360. A man would be happy to be with me. I have a big heart, I’m adventurous, loyal, and I’ll treat my partner with the utmost respect….but only if they reciprocate it. I’m tired of being “wifey” to men who only see me as the homie, or even worse, the girl that they can sleep with. I have had pieces of my heart stolen away from me, and I will never get them back, but I can fill them with the parts of my personality that I need to build on:

  • love for myself
  • respect for myself

I need to start putting my foot down more and set stricter boundaries. I need to stop being afraid of people leaving my life that don’t need to be there. At the time, I might want them to be present, but God is removing them for a reason. I need to stop being afraid of being….lonely.

Loneliness is crippling, but what I am is not lonely. I’m alone. Those last two lines of those lyrics to Jamila’s song are words of wisdom that I had to learn the hard way. I’m not lonely, I’m alone. I might not be in a room full of people, but I know whose got me, and I’ve got them. Loneliness and being alone I use to think was the same thing. Loneliness is a feeling; being alone is a state of being. I might be the only one here now, but I know that I have my friends, I have my family, and I have God. During the darker times in my life, I wrote off and forgot about them being there. Depression and sadness can plague a person and make them forget who’s in their corner. Even when there is no one in your corner, you’ve got yourself, and until you build that relationship between you and your soul, that’s all you’ll ever need.

Sometimes being alone can bring a lot of things to the forefront. When I was by myself, I was able to self reflect and cleanse myself of past pain that I have experienced. What did they do? How did it make me feel? Why did it hurt me? What did I deserve in that moment in time? How can I prevent myself from going through this again? Is having that companionship worth being disrespected? I had to ask myself those things. There was anger. There were tears, but this is all apart of the process when it comes to moving on. I’ve got to move on. A man is not going to guarantee my happiness, especially one that doesn’t do anything to benefit me. I am not going to be that person that is content with the fact that I have a man, and let him treat me like shit. A relationship would be nice, but it isn’t worth it if it’s going to be giving me heartache.

Help yourself first. Treat yourself first, take yourself out on dates! Learn to be respectful towards yourself. You know what you want for yourself, and if you don’t, take some one on one time to figure it out. It may take a while, so don’t grow impatient. It’s like a courtship. How can you have a wonderful relationship with someone else, but have a faulty one with yourself? You can’t.

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